Author's Note: This post is preserved for historical reasons, but my feelings have changed.

About six months ago I realized something about myself. I honestly believe that I was protected by the Lord from this particular revelation until I was in the right situation to cope with it. Once I tell you about it, I ask you to please keep reading; it’s a lot better than you probably think.

Ready for the big secret that eluded even my mind for nearly twenty-four years? Here it is: I’m attracted to guys.

Still here? Great. Thanks for giving me a chance. First off, let me assure you that I have no intention on leaving the Church or pursuing gay relationships. I have covenanted to keep the Law of Chastity and I plan to do just that. You may think I’m naïve for “fighting who I am,” but I see it like this: God is no respecter of persons, and I am under the same commandments as everyone else regarding sexual purity; I’m just wired the other way around. It’s a bit of a bummer, but I enjoy the irony.

The story of my self-discovery is sensitive enough for me not to post all the details, but I’ll try to give a watered-down version.

It happened during a phone call with my mom. She had called to ask for my advice on a lesson she was preparing for Relief Society. She wanted to ask about some of my trials, and while I was recounting the difficulties I had experienced since returning to BYU, I finally made the connection. Over the next few weeks I met with a counselor to help deal with my feelings of depression and gave my life story. He seemed in a little over his head and I eventually stopped seeing him, but the sessions were useful in helping me establish a catalog of my concerns and experiences. I spent a lot of time trying to reconcile my attractions with the Gospel and my own desires. I wondered things like “what should I tell myself when I notice an attractive boy,” and “does this mean I’ll be single forever.” I eventually decided that my attractions were not a sin, but I needed to control what I did with them.

I don’t know exactly when it was, but my mom pointed me to a book called Voices of Hope, which includes stories from individuals living with same-sex attractions that still wish to live according to Gospel standards. I joined the organization behind the book, North Star, and have since met many people from all backgrounds but with a common spiritual desire.

Since then I have told my siblings and a few friends. Every one has reacted perfectly and none treat me any different, which is as it should be. But lately I’ve been feeling a desire to make my attractions public. I knew this was a huge decision and I needed a good excuse. Here’s mine.

With the recent events surrounding gay marriage, I’ve read discussions between friends and I seem to only ever hear three possible opinions:

  1. Gays are evil and will burn in hell.
  2. Let them do what they want. It’s a free country.
  3. This is how we are, and if you don’t agree with what we do, you’re homophobic and hateful.

But I fall into a fourth camp. I don’t see conflict between the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my same-sex attractions. I know that, while my feelings aren’t a choice, I can choose how to act on them. Sexuality is a gift from our Heavenly Father meant to be used only between a man and woman who are legally married. This is not a hateful or discriminatory commandment, but the simple truth. Eternal marriage, sanctioned by God and performed under proper authority in holy temples, is the only way to receive the blessings of Eternal Life. And while I may never be married in this life, if I live worthily I know that I will have that opportunity in the world to come.

I wanted to make my attractions public so that I can join the ranks of those voices of hope. I want those who also experience homosexual attractions to know that they can choose to live according to the Gospel. I want to be an example to those who may not understand us. I welcome questions. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I will do my best to answer honestly from my own experiences and beliefs.

I especially want the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to understand the complexities of homosexual attractions. The Church should be a place of safety for those of us who feel isolated by feelings that most view as condemning. As disciples of Christ it is our duty to seek to understand and love all of God’s children, regardless of gender, race, social status, or sexuality.

So this is me. I have no more secrets. I pray that all who know me may come to understand.

I thank everyone who read all the way through. I hope I explained myself well enough. If you have questions or comments, feel free to speak up, but be respectful of others who may have differing opinions to your own.

Links