It’s been a year, give or take, since I realized the true nature of my same-sex attraction. Before that point I was content to focus on school and work; dating never really occurred to me. I told myself I had to get to know a girl before I decided if she was attractive or that I liked her – which is still true. I kept finding excuses not to date, like I was focusing on school or I didn’t have any money. I planned to take a year after graduation before considering further degrees. When I became aware of my attractions I thought I should take a year to “come to terms” with it before making any major decisions.

All of those excuses and time limits are up. It’s been over a year since I graduated, I’ve had a year to come to terms with things, and I have time and money to date. So what do I do now?

I’m planning on looking into grad schools over the winter, seeing if there are any nearby that would allow me to keep my current job and church ward while attending. I don’t like the stress of finding jobs and housing.

I’ve made more and closer friends than ever before – at work, church, and North Star – but I still don’t have anyone to regularly spend time with outside of those contexts.

I’ve started to wonder lately how I fit in to everything. How should I view myself in relation to my circumstances and social opportunities? I’ve imagined myself as a supporter, peacemaker, and example; all very vague and optimistic positions.

I’ve lost the bigger picture.

I know small details. I have small, fixed, plans. I know what I’m doing today and tomorrow, but not next year. I feel like I don’t have anything to aim for, so even though I’m keeping my head above the water, I’m still coasting.

Kids, this is the problem with growing up.

I didn’t want to post this, since there’s no optimistic, happy ending. But I decided to be honest with everyone. Today I’ll do the laundry and clean my bedroom. Tomorrow I’ll go do church and a North Star fireside. This Christmas I’ll head home and visit. Beyond that I’ll just keep swimming. Aloha.