New Year's Day
Happy 2016, people.
It’s time again to reflect on the past and plan for the future.
But first let me quickly rant about our perception of time itself. We feel time through our memory. Memorable events and our feelings about them shape how we perceive the past. It’s interesting how we can say something “took forever” or “flew by.” Or how we forget all the mundane or routine parts of the year and only remember major projects or trends. So when I say I spent “most of the year” doing something, you know what I mean, and so do I.
2015
Last year was largely spent planning for my trip to Europe, arguing with my inner demons about my addictions and identity, and trying to be a well-rounded and sociable person.
The realization that I could move to Europe for several months occurred to me around February. I knew right away that it would take a lot of planning, so I figured out the main roadblocks (medicine, work, visas) and began paving the way. I knew it was coming so long before it actually happened that when the weeks and days before I left finally arrived it felt like time was speeding up and pushing me into the future. Once I arrived things proceeded much like I had expected they would. I was quickly satisfied on the generic tourist front, so I began planning trips to other European landmarks and countries. I’ve said before how growing up is strange: time speeds up but everything takes longer. I’ve been in London for just over a month now. 25% of the total. Work doesn’t overtly hate me yet, I have fixed plans for a short trip outside the UK, and at this pace I might not see everything I had originally planned to visit. But that doesn’t really bother me. The world is open to me, and especially if I can figure out how to work and travel at the same time (i.e. during the same day) I have no major barriers to coming back.
I don’t like to think about all the problems I’m having integrating my same-sex attraction into my identity without displacing my religious convictions. The big problem is with my addiction to pornography, which although it is independent of my attractions is largely influenced by them. By choosing to stay in the Mormon camp, I’ve separated myself from the stereotype. I can’t date or flirt with other men. And I’m just not that interested in women, even though I wish for a wholesome, fulfilling temple marriage and eternal family. So it’s difficult when the only feelings of sexual desire I get are directed at something I actively deny myself. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever form the kind of relationships I really need to be satisfied both physically and spiritually.
Growing up I never thought what life would be like outside of school, when the bulk of your day is spent at work. It’s a bit like school – you see the same people every day – but you’re all adults. Your lives don’t revolve around work, even though you spend so much time there. You have your own friends and hobbies. School encourages making friends that you spend time with outside that environment. Work, not so much. I was doing a good job figuring that out, though. I had a few groups of friends that I would interact with regularly. Work, church, North Star. But none of my friends extended past their circle and into either another group or my private life. None of my new friends meet my standard of “best” friend. And I don’t like talking about it because I end up complaining. I don’t like to whine, because I know it’s not going to change anything. I need to work at making new best friends. But I am convinced I also have to be a little lucky and find someone who is interested in having me as a best friend in return. I have some ideas on how to do that, I’m just really bad at doing new things.
Which brings us to today. Or yesterday. They’re both the same to me. I literally went to bed at 9 AM this morning. I spent the night playing on my computer. I did spend a few seconds watching the neighbors’ fireworks through my bedroom window. I knew when midnight came, but the next thing I knew it was 7 and I was committed to that game.
2016 and beyond
The first few months of this year are easy. In a week or two I’ll be visiting Belgium and the Netherlands for a week. I then have until the middle of March to fit in a few more trips before my time is up and I return to the good ol’ USA. And all the while I need to keep my job so I have something to go back to.
My “five-year plan” is to buy a house somewhere in the Utah valley shortly after returning. Along the lines of a 4-bed, 3-bath kind of place. I’ve been getting emails from a certain house-search website for more than a year, so I have a good idea of what’s available. I want a house that is suitable for a small family. But since I currently have no prospects, I intend to rent the extra rooms out. I’m way more excited about this than I should be.
I’ll finish paying off my car by the end of the year. I don’t know just when I’ll be in the market for a new one, but I want my next one to be electric. And since electric cars are still new, and are likely to go through some major changes in the next decade, I’ll probably end up leasing for a while.
And in the not-too-distant future I plan to get my Master’s degree. It’ll be in computer science, but I will also take a few education courses as well. Then I can make the decision between professional developer and university professor (in which case I’ll go on to get a doctorate).
Oh, you were expecting me to make some resolutions? Sorry to disappoint.