“What in your life do you wish you could change to feel more joy, heal, or process better?”

I got that question from a reply to my Facebook post asking for topics I could write about. I like the idea because it’s something I don’t think I’ve explicitly written about in a long time: what would I like to change? But it’s a positive way to ask that question, so I don’t have to be all melancholy about it.

Oh, and thanks for using the Oxford comma in your question. I just noticed it, and I really should start complimenting people who do things the way I think is civilized right 😁.

The first thing I thought about after reading your question was, “I wish I was more confident around new people.”

I have trouble proactively making friends. The main reasons for this are a habitual reclusiveness that limits my level of social interaction in the first place, a general distaste for small talk due to lack of practice, but mostly an internalized lack of self-esteem that discourages me from extending myself into vulnerable relationships.

I have a very skewed case of inferiority complex. Or maybe it’s more typical than I think; I don’t know. But I am terrified of being vulnerable, even after all the things I talk about in these posts. I use these socially and personally sensitive topics that I’ve cultivated into talking points, so even though the subjects are usually vulnerable things for people to discuss, for me they aren’t. By appearing vulnerable on the outside, I’m hiding my vulnerabilities.

I didn’t understand this when my therapist confronted me about it. I thought that since I was talking about things like sex and self-esteem I was clearly incredibly adept at being vulnerable. But he said if I felt comfortable throwing something in front of strangers, that’s not vulnerability. It’s when we get to the things that make us squirm, that give the other person power to hurt us, that’s when we become vulnerable. Knowledge of my attractions isn’t a special gift reserved for the inner circle, or a private secret which brings us closer together.

I’m so afraid of being hurt that I avoid forming any emotional connections in the first place. Everyone is kept at a distance. If they don’t get close, they can’t hurt me. It’s subconscious, and I haven’t had enough time to have much practice trying to change things. I particularly enjoy the meta-conversation, in which I attempt to form an emotional connection with someone by talking about how difficult it is for me to form emotional connections. FYI: It hasn’t actually worked yet.

I think the only way to get over this is to find that special blend of a person where I am exactly myself around them and not only does it not scare them away, but they actively take an interest in spending time with me. It sounds simple – I’m literally just describing a best friend – but I am at the mercy of every negative fear and habit from a lifetime of subconscious repression. It’s going to take some time to unwind all that.

Oh, and if he’s cute and thinks I’m also adorable, +300 points for awesomeness. That would go so much deeper into fixing my wounded soul than any one thing that could be said or done by anyone else.

I am making progress, though. Every conversation where the other people are interested in what I’m saying. Every time someone thinks about me and asks how I’m doing or invites me to do something. These little things done consistently over time chip away at the delusion in my head that I am somehow unloveable; that if people truly knew what I thought or wanted they would fear or hate me. It’s the deepest scar I never knew I had. And finding those relationships that prove me wrong is the only way for me to heal, correctly process reality, and begin to feel true joy again.