My last bit of dreaming this morning before I woke up felt like I was watching a movie trailer, and it’s given me the seeds of a new story to write. But unlike every other story idea I’ve come up with in years, this one isn’t about magic, and it’s got some pretty dark and powerful forces in play. I want to do it justice, but I might get some terms wrong until I’ve done more research.

The basic premise is this: a man (mid-20s to early 30s) experiences some trauma leading to a psychotic break in which he attempts suicide while remembering the event as being attacked by a wolf. After waking up in the hospital he begins to see the wolf around him, especially in times of stress or anger. I know his name (Malcolm, usually called “Mal”) and what he looks like (short curly blonde hair). He works/worked as a model, but with the scars it looks like they start giving him more artsy makeup designs, like a tiger, to cover them up.

This isn’t my first dark story idea, but it has been many years. I don’t know how old I was when I wrote them, but I have several short pieces where the main character has abusive parents, or sees his parents get killed. My protagonists were usually orphans or had to take care of a younger sibling.

Looking back on those stories now, I wonder why I needed to write them down. I like to think I had a normal childhood, but it’s pretty clear I was feeling powerful things that needed escape. I can definitely see a bit of wish fulfillment in how often the characters removed their clothes, but why would I have to surround it with something so tragic when my life was so good?

Which is why I want to capture this story’s inception, and think about why I suddenly find inspiration to write about these things. I’ve never been suicidal, I’ve never hallucinated or heard voices. The dream wasn’t sad or scary. The point of the story is to be powerful and deep, to use the situation of this protagonist to explore the strongest currents of my own journey.

Mal and the wolf are the same creature. When the wolf attacked him, he was attacking himself. And when he sees the wolf from that point on, it is an expression of things he has hidden away. Specifically personality traits or desires that he doesn’t want to claim. Things he wants to do but knows he can’t or won’t. And when his disgust turns inward, the wolf turns its attention to him. It’s his violence and hatred, and all the things he’s learned to repress.

It’s the beast I was afraid of within myself.

I’m interested to see where this goes.