I used to say that my experiences with social or medical issues could often be described as “a little bit of everything.” As in, I felt a little bit of depression, but not enough to interfere with necessities. A little bit of hypochondria, but not so much that I actually did anything about my worries. A little bit of asexuality, but only at the beginning when I was still exploring. I feel as if I’ve encountered many things, but only some of them are persistent enough to stick around and decorate the walls.

Two of those things that I haven’t talked about here in so many words are Anxiety and ADHD. I have no official diagnosis for either, but they both play a large, consistent, and symbiotic role in my regular life. Let me start with the easier one to explain, and maybe I’ll get around to the other one if I don’t lose interest.

I didn’t question my ability to regulate attention until a few years ago. I got good grades and was anything but disruptive in class. And I work as a programmer, a job that is full of long stretches of tedious focus and repetition.

But at the same time, the following have all been acknowledged facts as far back as I can recall:

  • I almost constantly bounce my legs.
  • I can read a novel for hours, but opening some textbook chapters will immediately make me sleepy.
  • It’s very difficult for me to switch from a task I like to one I didn’t choose, even if it’s important or time-sensitive.

I recall seeing fast food workers dealing with multiple orders at a time by memory and thinking I’d be terrible at remembering all of that. And yet I have a reputation at work for knowing so many intricate details about how things work. I rely on written task lists so I don’t forget what everyone expects me to be doing, but still need to regularly ask my manager if I’m missing something critical. One of my recurring worries during university was that there was some important class that I was absolutely failing while blissfully ignorant of its existence.

I’m pretty sure the two top reasons I’ve fallen so hard for Thai/Asian BL are 1) obviously the enjoyment of LGBT representation and cute boys, but also 2) there’s so much content already available and being newly produced. I’m able to bounce around like a happy puppy from show to show without periods of emptiness. It’s a source of inexhaustible novely. It’s the same reason I like traveling or simply walking outside: enough mental stimulation to briefly satisfy me and slow the frantic search for new information.

I think the question of ADHD first occurred to me when I realized that coffee pretty consistently calms me down instead of triggering any sort of jitters. Reddit’s r/ADHD sees this exact question from newcomers all the time, and the clear answer from them is “nah, that’s unrelated.” But it was enough to get me reading those posts, watching videos, and paying more attention to myself.

And just like when I first started reading posts about Crohn’s Disease after being diagnosed, people online always seem to have things so much worse than me. I’m able to hold a steady, well-paying job. My floor remains generally visible and I don’t starve for lack of groceries. And I don’t spend all my money on frivolous things only to lose interest.

Regularly discovering things about myself only to see other people whose lives are destroyed by them makes me feel like I don’t actually belong if it’s not that severe. But I also know that I’m skilled at undervaluing my own experiences. I need a trusted outside source to answer these questions and overcome my natural anxiety — but that’s not today’s topic.

There are more and more adults who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and are just now starting to reach out and get the medical and social help they need. I’m not sure if I’m one of them, but even if that’s not the cause, the problems themselves are real. And knowing what to look out for is an important first step in finding ways to live.