Recently someone on North Star posted a link to a form where we could answer some questions he’s been asked. I figured it would be best to give my answers here as well. Once again, these are my personal answers; I’ll try to point out questions that I think others might answer differently.

1. How can I best receive someone who comes out to me?

It was scary for them to open up to you. It shows a level of trust and respect. Return that trust and respect; let them know you will not treat them differently and that you will keep their confidence in anything they say. Be willing to talk about their attractions with them, though – they probably need someone to vent with.

2. How can I let someone know that “I know” and still care for them, when they haven’t said anything to me? (They have been open about it on Facebook and with other people).

This wording confuses me a bit. I assume the person means that they know someone who talks about their SSA openly, but has never spoken directly with them about it.

I’d say if the person is talking about their attractions openly, don’t be afraid to send them a private message. Tell them you’ve been reading what their saying and how you feel about it and them. Be honest.

3. How can a straight man be a better friend to a man who experiences SSA?

Everyone is different and has different needs. Just don’t treat us like infected puppies – cute, just don’t get too close. I make it sound like a joke, but I really want a “cuddle-buddy,” someone who is okay with hugs and back rubs and all that intimate touchy-feely stuff and will return the favor occasionally. Be straightforward with your questions and concerns. Be open to his answers. Don’t worry about if he’s trying to flirt with you.

4. What is the process of self-discovery and acceptance of SSA like?

The process will be different for every individual. For me it was a bit of a surprise, but the Lord was pulling strings in every part of my life to point me in the direction I’m heading now. It’s only been a little over six months since I became self-aware of my attractions, and I’m already talking about it regularly on Facebook. Others I know have known for years and still view it as a burden.

5. At what age/point in life does a person realize they are attracted to their same gender?

I didn’t connect the dots until I was 24, but I knew that I felt differently about men/boys vs. women no later than 17 or so. Some realize the truth sooner, some later.

6. What aspects make a person attracted to his/her own gender – Is it more than a physical attraction?

I won’t say it’s purely physical, but physical attraction is the strongest aspect of my SSA. I like the way the “effects” of SSA were described to me early on. There are many types of intimacy: physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, etc. We who experience same-sex attraction have a higher need for intimacy with the same gender than normal “straight” people. But one of the common pieces of advice within North Star is to get to know those who you find physically attractive as complete individuals and you’ll usually find that your attraction diminishes. One of the common theories is that we find aspects attractive in others that we admire or consider lacking in ourselves. In other words, if you do not consider yourself brave, strong, handsome, etc. you are more likely to find those who you feel have such qualities attractive.

7. What do you feel like your options are as a member experiencing SSA?

My options are exactly the same. The commandments apply to me equally and I have the same opportunities as anyone in the church.

8. If you choose to be celibate for life, how do you plan to do so?

I do not consider it out of my reach to get married in this life. In fact, I have a girl I’m wanting to ask out soon. I know it’s a possibility, but I am a little scared at the idea of never getting married. But until that point I will live the best I can.

9. How do you manage living the standards and meeting up to the expectations of the church as an SSA Mormon?

The same way any member does. I have to watch myself more than normal, simply because it’s easier for me to be tempted in innocent situations (like swimming pools). But as long as I don’t let my feelings turn to lust or acting out, I’m as worthy in the eyes of the Lord as any straight man who avoids lusting after a woman.

As far as the cultural expectation of dating and getting married goes, it can be really annoying to be in a ward of single adults because the major topic of conversation is marriage. But I let those concerns roll off me. I know what it takes to live a worthy life and I’m not going to stress about fitting the mold – it’s already quite broken in my case.

10. What are the differences between a straight person living a celibate life vs. a gay/SSA person making this choice?

I don’t see any difference. Celibacy is often a religious decision, and I feel it’s honorable for a gay man or woman to stay celibate in order to remain religiously worthy. But I do feel they shouldn’t close the door on the possibility. They might find someone to love.

11. Is it out of the question for an SSA member to enter into a heterosexual relationship? What is your opinion on mixed-orientation marriages?

I know plenty of North Star members who are currently in heterosexual relationships. Many members are married and have the full support of their wives/husbands. Several guys my age are dating women and seem to be enjoying it.

Concerning mixed-orientation marriages, as long as the spouse knows and communication flows both ways, they have just as much potential and strength as any other.

12. What role do you think SSA Mormons will fill in the church?

I’ve heard this discussed a few times, sometimes serious, sometimes jokingly. I think if there was a single role that SSA members were meant to play it would be that of comforters. To love and care for those who do not feel like they belong. To reach out to those who are hurting and hold them in our arms.

13. What do you feel about the plan of salvation and the proclamation to the world? Do you feel included or like an outsider?

The Plan of Salvation is doctrine, and the Proclamation to the World is revelation. Both are true and wonderful. I understand how some would feel excluded, since we are forbidden from pursuing the homosexual relationships our bodies desire. But faith in the gospel comforts us. I know that if I stay true to my covenants and the laws, I will be blessed for my abstinence. And I will be strengthened in my weakness.

14. How do SSA Mormons view the opposite sex? Is there still some draw to the opposite sex, because they have a complementary nature?

Girls are awesome! I’ve tried to describe how I feel towards women. This is what I’ve come up with so far.

When I try to imagine being in a relationship with a girl or deciding whether I like one or not, I try to compare my feelings with those I experience towards other men. What I’ve noticed is that there’s something; it’s just different. It feels, not “weaker,” but softer. There is no lust involved, none of the crazy caveman grunting. I’ve never had a girlfriend, so I can’t say, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I could feel fully satisfied in a heterosexual relationship.

15. Scriptures tell us that we will have the same temptations and desires in the next life as we have in this life. What does that mean for people that are attracted to the same-sex? Some members claim that SSA will not exist in the next life. Is there proof that such a promise has been made?

I don’t know of any proof that we’ve been promised any such thing, but for now I find some comfort in the belief that my attractions will not last into the next life. The other parts of me – the empathy and desire for connection – will and should remain, but there will be nothing about my immortal body that sexualizes its feelings towards other men.

16. Why does there seem to be more men who experience SGA than females in the church? Is there a community of women who I have just not heard of?

I definitely see more men than women, and I have no clue at all why that might be so. And I’m not going to throw myself off a cliff trying to come up with one.

17. How do people who experience SSA describe/view SSA? Is it a trial? Weakness? Temptation? Nature? Nurture? Why do you think it exists?

Opinions vary wildly. Plenty of people do see it as a burden. They feel like they cannot be happy living within the standards of the Church and distance themselves from it to pursue a homosexual relationship. Some people have been abused and feel that that experience contributed significantly to the development of their feelings. Many feel they were born with the attractions.

And many feel it is just a part of them, and an awesome part at that. They may even attribute their talents and empathy to their SSA. They share jokes about it and have a wonderful time.

18. I’m attracted to men, but have not come out. What are my next steps?

If you feel like you want to come out and that your motivations are not selfish, then come out! If you would rather keep your attractions private, keep them private! But it is good to have some others you trust to talk with. Join North Star or another support group, tell a friend or family member. Don’t keep everything bottled up.

19. Do you consider yourself “gay”? How do you feel about the various terms – SSA, SGA, LGBT, etc.? How has the term SSA been received by the greater LGBT community?

I’m not completely comfortable using the term myself yet, but I will call myself gay now interchangeably with SSA. Terms like SSA and SGA are less understood, but don’t come with the same stereotype. I make sure that people understand my commitment to gospel standards when I first bring up the topic. And I haven’t heard anyone complain about the term LGBT when referring to the wider community, though I don’t know how “SSA” has been received by them.

The biggest complaint I hear when anyone brings up the topic of labels is “why do we need labels at all? Can’t we just be ourselves? I don’t like limiting myself. The labels you accept affect how you perceive yourself.” I agree that words are powerful, and that the labels you ascribe to affect how you view your own identity.

But identity is variable. As we grow older and experience more, as people come into our lives and leave, as we make choices and mistakes, we change.

Conclusion

I’m happier with myself now than in my entire adult life. I know myself deeper now, and for the first time I have hope for my future. I do not view my attractions as a burden or trial, keeping me from happiness or heaven. In fact, I understand others better now that I know this about myself. Accepting this part of me has brought me closer to others. And trusting in the Lord to guide my feet, I plan on using my experiences to help those who are lost, scared, and in pain. This is one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I’m glad for it.