I’ve written up a draft or two of a more depressed “wo is me” version of this post, but while relating my complaints to Mom last Sunday she provided a better perspective. So I’ll try to keep this positive and not mope too much.

Humans are social creatures; we form communities and define ourselves largely by those to which we belong as well as those to which we do not. Identifying statements like “I’m a man,” “I’m an American,” “I’m a Mormon,” and “I’m gay” all declare membership in a certain community. Communities provide a sense of belonging, a connection to other members based on similar beliefs, customs, or practices.

But there are two “communities” that are special: family and friends. “Family” is the strongest community. Our families raise us, protect us, and teach us as we grow. They help shape our view of ourselves and others. They know us deeply and love us despite our shortcomings. Friends are the family we choose. With friends, we experiment; we search for others who interest us. We find friends to agree with, to disagree with, to laugh and cry with. We form bonds with each other to provide support, protection, and variety in a difficult world.

I had friends growing up, of course. If I could remember more of my younger life I would probably say I had many typical friendships and a very happy youth, on average. Things turned around in high school, though. My two closest friends had some very bad fights that led to one transferring schools and the other eventually leaving and getting her G.E.D. The rest of high school I relied on extracurricular clubs and a single best friend to anchor me, but I think the damage was done. (If said friends read this, please know that I do not blame you for anything that has happened to me since then.) I never really reached out after that point, so when I moved out to go to college I never made any close friends. It took me six years to realize what a horrible mistake that was.

Gradually over this last year I’ve started to feel the pain of loneliness. I realized the importance of having a best friend (preferably more than one) nearby to spend time with, to talk to, and to keep me sane. I determined to be more active, to try and find situations to make friends. But I’m out of practice. I’ve made friends (more here than ever before), but none of them have yet earned the rank of “best.” They all seem to have established circles, and I’m just a guest. They include me when I’m around, but they don’t always remember to invite me.

Here’s where the conversation with my mom comes in. She gave new meaning to the cliché “if you want a good friend, be a good friend” by turning my complaints into a set of guidelines. She told me to find someone who is lonely. Find someone who needs someone to talk to. Find someone who sits alone and doesn’t get out very much. Find them, and be the kind of friend I felt I needed. Be there to listen. Be there to have fun with them. Be there to just be there.

This concept is not new, and it doesn’t just apply to friends or dating. It’s a lesson in service. One of the best pieces of advice from spiritual leaders to those who are sad or lonely is to serve others. Don’t think about what’s in it for you. Get outside of yourself, forget your own pains and fears, and help someone else.