This week I finished reading/listening to The Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman, so I’d like to give my thoughts on the subject.

I bought and listened to the book because, having grown up outside of the community, I had never known most of the history. I didn’t know the names of anyone who was influential, or all the barriers that had to be overcome to reach the point we’re at now. It was a very interesting read, and I’m glad I did it.

Like any history book, it’s biased on the side of the winners. So if you’re still against gay rights, you will probably be annoyed by this book. Or it just might convince you to change your mind. I went in knowing that eventually my religion (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a.k.a. Mormons) would be lambasted for its opposition to legislation permitting same-sex marriage. It was that opposition (during California’s Prop 8) that first made me truly aware of “the struggle,” though I wouldn’t be aware of just how much it affected my life until six years later.

Back when Prop 8 was making headlines I had just graduated from high school. I don’t remember what I thought about it back then. I had not yet confronted my attractions, and I didn’t live in California so I couldn’t vote on it anyway. But I can’t imagine any reason why I would question disagreeing with my church leadership when they encouraged people to support the proposition banning same-sex marriage. I just generally avoided the issue. I didn’t volunteer to call people or donate to any campaign funds. Even though that was my first year as a registered voter, I was still fairly neutral on most political topics.

I didn’t like the way people lashed back at my church, though. I remember seeing news coverage of vandalised chapels and protests and thinking, “we don’t hate you. Why do you hate us?”

But at that time I was still under the influence of social stereotypes. I grew up in a small largely-Mormon town well away from the cities where LGBT people liked to congregate. I didn’t know anyone that was openly gay until I started coming to terms with being gay myself. Now I know that several of my friends and family I grew up with were also gay – I’d like to hear their stories someday – but without that knowledge I only had my parents and the media to teach me. My parents, to their credit, never taught hate. But I don’t remember the subject coming up very often.

But when the TV show Glee came along things began to change. Slowly but surely the world around me began to be more comfortable discussing the topic. The show challenged my stereotypes and showed gay and transgender students as complex, real people. But I wasn’t ready for the show, yet, and I stopped watching after the first season.

The show pulled me back in a few years later as I was getting my degree at BYU in Provo, Utah. This was the time in my life when I was finally starting to look at myself and trying to understand just what made me tick. I watched a lot of TV shows where people were sick, or had trouble fitting in, or were estranged from family. Anything that penetrated my pall of depression and made me feel something. I sometimes wished a doctor would tell me that something was wrong with me, just so I could know. It was a dark time for me, and I didn’t know why, but I kept it all bottled up.

Then came the magical phone call with my mom where all the stars aligned and I finally “discovered” my sexuality. My life was changed forever. I finally knew my own deepest secret. I knew why dating had never really interested me before, why I felt so separated from most of the boys at school. Why I had gone to counseling years before because I thought the boys in my class were cute…

My feelings about LGBTQ+ people didn’t change overnight. I had never really confronted my feelings. I never had the need. I didn’t know anyone and I never had the chance to vote for or against. But once I started meeting other people, including friends and family, I changed.

Because they were me.

This was the overwhelming factor that changed public opinion of the LGBTQ+ community. People were finally coming out en masse and they were our brothers, our children, our best friends. It’s one thing to ignore when a stranger is being insulted, but when it’s your sister being persecuted you notice. And you fight.

The subject of marriage equality caught my attention again shortly after my discovery, because a Utah judge declared the state’s ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. This led to heated debates online. And since I was a newly minted gay guy it hurt to see so much anger between my friends who didn’t know how close the issue was to me. But I hadn’t yet settled on exactly how I felt about the issue. I went through a few stages before arriving at my final position.

At first I thought the same thing I heard a lot of people say: let them have all the same legal protections, just don’t call it “marriage.” This was the closest a lot of people were comfortable getting. “Marriage” is a very specific and holy concept to them; more than just a legal contract. For many of the people that said this, they truly were not saying it out of homophobia, hate, or pride, and you shouldn’t blame them for their belief.

During the first half of 2014, when the marriage equality battle raged its hottest, I was also experiencing a lot of new things. That spring I attended the first North Star conference and made some major emotional breakthroughs. Over the next few months I began to truly understand the attraction and love same-sex couples feel for each other. And I realized and accepted that the love they feel can be just as real as the love between a man and a woman. And once that happened I couldn’t fight against it anymore.

So here’s my position. Legally, there is no excuse to ban same-sex marriage. If you are willing to give all the same legal protections to a same-sex couple as you are to a married man and woman, refusing to give it the same label is discrimination. Religiously, people have the right to believe and teach what they will without fear. Just because someone doesn’t believe what you’re doing is right doesn’t mean they hate you. And you do not have the right to silence their faith.

The Gay Revolution covers events as early as the 1950’s, which means LGBTQ+ people have been fighting for their rights for over 60 years. And they still don’t have equal standing in the United States. It is still legal in some states to fire an employee based on sexual orientation or gender identity.

I’m happy with the way things are going. People are feeling safer in “coming out” and expressing themselves. But there’s a long way yet to go. I still see hateful comments online. I have friends who are still afraid to come out for fear of losing family, friends, or even their job. No one should have to be afraid of who they are. Everyone deserves respect and love, no matter what they do, how they feel, or who they love. The struggle continues, but hopefully it doesn’t have to be a struggle for long.