Here’s a personal and sensitive subject, which is funny to say considering I talk so much about sexual attraction…

I have mixed feelings about myself, both physically and mentally. I don’t exactly love the way I look, and I have self-esteem issues regarding friendship and romance. But in my job I affect thousands of people every day, and a few guys have called me cute and/or wanted to kiss me. Let’s talk about the negative stuff, first. That’ll be fun.

Body Image

I know my issues here don’t compare to people with an eating disorder or anything, but I don’t get to vent very often on the topic.

My family looks young. This is an understood and oft-repeated fact. On my mission (at age 19) other missionaries and the people I met with often felt like I looked like I was 16 or something.

My 20th birthday. The Hostess cupcake is a throwback to my 1st birthday. And that shirt was too big for me, anyway. – November 2010

Leading up to my mission I naturally maintained a weight around 135 lbs (61 kg). But a few months before leaving my appetite largely abandoned me and I wasn’t interested in eating as much. I didn’t worry about this, because I wasn’t any hungrier. But I did end up losing weight, and when I left for my mission in May 2009 I was 125 lbs (57 kg).

On the first day of my mission my back hurt. I thought it was an issue I had discovered a few years earlier with the alignment of my spine, and that’s what I told the doctors, so they didn’t investigate. But this back pain teamed up with my lack of appetite and I ended up eating even less than usual. Off and on for the next eight months of my mission I experienced this. In fact, it was such a regular occurrence for me to eat very little dinner (because of the back pain) but always accept dessert (because I felt better by then) that I managed to gain a reputation among the other missionaries for only ever eating dessert. Eventually I was located near a major city and my companion encouraged me to see a doctor. A few weeks and tests later I returned home so they could diagnose me faster. I left the mission weighing about 118 lbs (54 kg).

A month later I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and given medication (Pentasa). I spent the next few months resting, trying to figure out a diet that would play nicely with my body, and trying to get back to my previous normal weight. Eventually I stopped hurting, though my appetite wasn’t back just yet. I returned to university and went on with my life.

Back in Utah for university I made sure to eat regularly and learned a few tricks to prevent back pain. Eventually my appetite returned. I remember being so happy when I could finish a Subway sandwich again. But one summer I was lazy taking my medication and symptoms started returning. My doctor put me on a new medication (Humira) and scolded me at each appointment if I wasn’t perfect at taking both regularly.

I settled into life again with my new fancy medicine. My appetite was back, my back wasn’t hurting, and I gained weight once more.

For a while I looked pretty awesome – March 2013

But I surpassed my old 135 lbs. My face (and gut) swelled up and for the first time I felt uncomfortable with the way I looked.

Back in Hawaii for a family reunion – June 2013

I started going to a gym and met with a personal trainer for a year. Although this gave me access to a scale and regular measurements to assess progress, overall it was a good experience. The trainer made sure to remind me that our goal for me wasn’t to lose weight, but to get healthier.

It took a long time, but I got used to the way I looked. And after a while I stopped worrying so much about getting back to my “golden years of youth” look.

Two years later. I mostly look the same, but I’m a lot happier with it. – January 2016

So yeah, I’d love to get fit, lose some fat and build up muscle. But I don’t agonize over it. I have the body I have. I’m much more interested in eating healthy, getting some regular exercise, and experiencing new and interesting things than achieving some specific look. Some days are easier than others, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be absolutely fine with every little detail about my appearance. And it’s normal to feel that way.