It’s hard to find a girlfriend when girls so rarely register on my radar. And then there’s the whole cooties situation…

Today was Valentine’s Day, or, as I often like to call it, “Single’s Awareness Day.” A day of love, flowers, and chocolate. Always a wonderful day for someone who has never been in a committed relationship. Even better for a guy who’s predominant attraction is towards other guys, but who’s self-imposed rules means he won’t let himself pursue said guys.

Story time. I went to church today hoping to hear a few entertaining comments or complaints about the holiday. Sadly I heard nothing. However, during the “Sunday School” hour I found myself sitting close to one of the more attractive men in the ward (entirely by chance… obviously…) and when he spoke to answer a question, I felt the familiar pull of attraction and looked away to resist. Then I thought, “Wait! Why am I resisting this? I’ve made so much progress coming to terms with my sexuality. I can’t fall back into the habit of shutting down my emotions.” And I made myself look back at him. I made myself accept and cope with the attraction.

I’m still not used to this. My strange situation of being “out and proud” while still honoring religious covenants leads me to act as if I’m closeted. I’ll look at someone I find attractive, but if they look my way I’ll avert my eyes. Can’t let them catch me checking them out. That would be awkward. Makes me feel like a young kid. They have cooties, so you have to act like you don’t like them.

It comes in waves. Some days I feel it more than others, the desire to have a significant other. It comes when I see people holding hands, hugging, kissing. Sometimes I’ll see two guys together and look to see if they’re holding hands. Sometimes I wonder if they’re not holding hands because they don’t want people to see. I tell myself to wait until I’m back in the US and settling down again. Then I can try to make some more friends. Maybe I’ll find my someone then.

And then I wonder if it’s okay that I’m not trying to fantasize about finding a girlfriend instead. Sometimes when I’m thinking these things I try substituting a girl. And that’s fine, it just doesn’t have the same feel. Then I wrestle a little bit in my head about how crazy everything is. I worry that if I do end up finding a girlfriend, how will we both handle my need for male companionship? Will she be jealous? Will she have a good reason to be?

I’ve said a few times in the last year that I’m “about three years away” from resorting to online dating. I have a strange mix of hope and fear on the subject. I’d have to meet new people. Scary. But it’s not very likely that I’ll actually take the initiative to start dating anyone anytime soon. I was never in the habit, and now I have a convenient excuse to never try again.

So yeah. It’s a fun little mess, and I can’t blame anyone else for the choices I’ve made.

But it was still a good Sunday.