In the last few days I’ve started thinking again. I’ve heard a few things and made a few decisions that have led me to begin reevaluating the story I call myself. Not surprisingly, these thoughts are related to what I’ve been calling my sexuality.

I came out as gay almost two years ago, before I had any real experience as to what that meant. I’ve been trying since then to adjust to an affected world view. I’ve watched a lot of movies, television shows, and internet videos by and about LGBTQ+ people. I’ve made a ton of wonderful new friends who belong to that spectrum of experience. And I’ve contemplated the effect that claiming membership in such a polarizing label has in my life, both personally and socially.

But long before I started tackling issues of sexuality, I was battling within myself for control of a much more universal experience: lust. Throughout high school and university I regularly viewed pornography. On the surface it was a mechanism of stress relief and escape, but inside it was scraping away at the best parts of me: my creativity, my ability to empathize with others, and my self-image. In my moments of sanity I hated the habit, but when the fantasies began my willpower flowed out of me and I became a dumb machine.

And that’s how my life has been. Along the way I graduated, got my degree, and started a career. But so much of my life has been clouded by these addictive habits, I often find it difficult to remember anything else. Over the course of years even your sane mind begins to grow weary of fighting. You begin to submit out of habit rather than any particularly negative emotion. You’ve tried so many things, you become cynical of any new hope.

So it’s funny that I’m trying again now, because the thing that inspired my recent mental change isn’t even about pornography.

I was listening to a podcast (I’m not going to say which one because I don’t agree with every word that was said in the episode) aimed at people in a similar situation to my own – believing Latter-day Saints (Mormons) who belong to the LGBTQ+ community. The episode was sparked by some recent comments by one of the leaders of our church that are being taken out of context and therefore causing some anger and pain. But during the episode the speaker described the experience of non-heterosexuality in a way that I hadn’t considered before, and it’s had a strong impact on my recent thoughts.

It was a few simple words that made all the difference. He said being gay is about more than attraction. It is so intertwined with the rest of our experience that it affects so much more than sex. At first I thought, “well, of course. I knew that.” But then I started thinking deeper. At the risk of being either offensive or silly, I’m going to compare homosexuality to being short (or if you prefer, tall).

Being short isn’t a choice, and there isn’t much if anything you can do about it. And whether you realize it or not, it affects almost every aspect of your daily life. You see people differently, you see the world differently. You handle situations a certain way. There are some things that you aren’t as good at. People might judge you. And there are plenty of short people who wouldn’t wish to be – or can’t imagine being – tall. They like the way they are, because it’s a part of them. If they were tall they wouldn’t be the same person.

All this thinking led me to the realization that I was trying to compartmentalize myself again. I was falling into habits of accepting some things while trying to squash others. Like playing whack-a-mole, but I didn’t realize that everything was connected underneath the board. I was trying to both accept and combat my own personality traits.

The only thing I’ve figured out for certain is that I never really had it all figured out. I’m trying now to approach the question of my identity without trying to avoid the inconvenient parts. It’s going to take a long time, and it’s going to be very annoying that I don’t seem to be making great progress. And it’s unlikely I’ll ever have a magical epiphany that sorts out everything nicely.

I’m trying to understand my sexuality, my religion, and my identity as a whole system. And I think I’m finally ready to start.