I write this from my hotel room in Orem, Utah. Yesterday I returned from a four-month adventure in Europe. I’ll write more about that trip later.

My parents came and visited me during this final week. I showed them around London. We went to some theatre plays. We also traveled up to Preston where my Mom’s ancestors joined the LDS church.

One of the things my parents always try to accomplish when our family members are gathered together is to visit and participate in temple service. My parents and I attended both the London and the Preston temples during the week. At the end of a temple session, patrons find themselves in the holiest room of the temple, called the Celestial Room. This room is representative of being in the presence of God and Jesus Christ. Since the nature of the temple is so sacred, we do not speak about certain details outside the temple. But inside the Celestial Room, my parents and I are free to discuss even these most intimate topics.

It had been a long time since my parents and I had visited a temple together, so when we were sitting together in the London temple’s Celestial Room, Mom took the opportunity to ask about subjects or details that we hadn’t discussed in a more “normal” context. She asked about recent blog posts and how I was doing on subjects of same-sex attraction and pornography. I explained my most recent post in more detail and discovered myself how to articulate some of the things I’ve been feeling lately. And since I write on this blog for the benefit of all, I’d like to try and explain these things now.

Pornography & Same-Sex Attraction

Mom was concerned that I so often mentioned SSA and pornography together online, but never gave any information on how I was conquering pornography. The simple answer to her was that I wasn’t conquering it. I didn’t want to give any advice to other people when I didn’t have any advice to give. As for why I often mentioned the two together, I tried to go into detail about how intimately related the two subjects are.

To me, one of the hardest things about trying to avoid pornography is that it’s not an external substance that you can actually avoid. Innocent non-sexual situations can trigger temptation, or plant the seed for later temptation. There’s no way to completely avoid such interactions, since you see random people everywhere, and any one could be attractive. Working to accept attraction while avoiding lust is difficult since there’s such a thin line between them.

Another thing I figured out later that week is that I was convinced that fighting pornography meant I had to struggle against the temptation. In other words, I thought that if I wasn’t being tempted, I couldn’t get better. This is like saying you can’t overcome alcoholism without having a drink in your hand – because how can you know you’re improving if you’re never tested?

But if you spend your time away from temptation building strength and learning how to cope, when temptation does come you will be more prepared to shrug it off and continue on with your real life. You don’t need to have a monumental and epic battle inside your mind to prove to yourself and God that you can beat back the demon hordes all by yourself.

Everyone’s experience is different. When we hear any public speech on techniques for combatting addiction or lust, it’s important to understand that the person is speaking to a group, so they cannot tailor the message to an individual’s circumstances. And if it was easy to beat this thing, it wouldn’t be such a common problem.

Testimony / Spirituality

The more interesting topic we discussed in the temple was less expected, but it was very good to talk about it. I brought the topic up and said some things that I had never considered before. Read the whole thing and don’t jump to conclusions, please.

When I’m talking to someone about the church I act as if there are no questions or concerns in my mind. Of course I support the church and its leaders. Of course its true and correct. Sure, I may have lost the core feelings I had when I was younger, but I can keep going on logic and the past while I try to recover those feelings.

But I can’t keep relying on my past.

The main point of my last post was emphasizing that I need to rediscover some important things about myself. One of those things is my testimony.

I can’t keep approaching spiritual subjects from a strictly logical angle, because there is so much more to life than the brain. There are things we don’t understand, things that don’t make sense.

I can’t say that I believe that every word being said by church leaders on every subject is 100% correct. I can’t say that I know where I stand on some major issues. I don’t doubt the gospel, but I need to feel it.

I need to rebuild myself from the ground up. I need to examine myself, inside and out. And I need to discover my testimony again.

I didn’t want to admit that. I didn’t want people thinking that I was questioning the church, because I’m not. What I’m doing is stepping back from a façade of absolute and unquestioning surety.

I hope the things I write here can help people.

I choose to work for a world where people are respectful to those who are different. Where love and dignity are more important than public perception. Where people can be honest about how they feel without fear of ridicule.

There is so much beauty in the world. There is so much diversity. It’s easy to forget when you are surrounded by people who look and believe the same way you do that it’s okay to be different. It’s easy when you walk by the same mountain or statue every day to take it for granted.

It’s hard to be honest with others about things you don’t like about yourself. It’s hard to admit when you are wrong, or scared, or that you don’t know what you’re doing.

But that’s life. It’s hard, scary, confusing, and beautiful.

Right now in my life I have the opportunity to slow down a bit, look around and see where I am. Hopefully I can sit down for a while and think about things. Things like what do I like, and who do I want to be. Maybe I’ll figure out a thing or two. And when I do, I’ll be sure to let you know. Thanks for listening.