Back when I was first coming to terms with my homosexuality, I saw a counselor a few times to work on feelings of depression and addictive pornography. My meetings with this counselor were good so far as they helped me remember some details about my past and have some outlet to explain what was going on in my life at the time. I stopped seeing him after a few months, but one piece of advice he gave me keeps entering my mind.

I was talking about what it felt like to battle with addictive temptations. How your will to fight dwindles over the years. How sometimes you just give in immediately to get it over with so you can get on with your real life.

And he challenged me. Instead of giving in or trying to fight back the temptation, he advised me to “sit” with the feelings. To not immediately give in or jump to the defense, but rather to do nothing. And in that limbo of inaction, I should try to think about what was happening. What exactly am I feeling right now? Can I figure out why I’m feeling it? Why do I think there are only two possible paths: to give in or to push back? What else could I do right now?

I’m feeling that way right now.

Right now I’m feeling bored. I don’t want to keep watching the same things I’ve been watching all day. It’s getting later in the day and I don’t have the motivation to leave the house and go somewhere. And then there’s someone on YouTube who came out as gay today, complete with two very rainbow-y shirtless pictures.

So just now as I was considering the idea of indulging in a little internet search for more shirtless boys, I remembered the counselor’s advice. And I thought I would jump on the opportunity and try to write about what I was feeling before things went back to normal.

I’ve been hearing so much about this concept of mindfulness lately: in podcasts, Facebook, and even Kickstarter campaigns. The idea of paying attention to your thoughts and emotions, rather than just reacting to them like usual. I don’t know if it’s really as popular as it appears to me, or if the universe is trying to hit me over the head. It seems like this has the possibility of being the best approach so far, short of spiritual strength (which, if you couldn’t gather from my last post, I’m kind of lacking at the moment).

Maybe next time this happens I’ll write again. It’s definitely good therapy to talk about your feelings as they happen, before time and forgetfulness destroys the extremes of memory.

Yesterday I returned to an LDS LGBT support group I haven’t been able to attend while I was overseas. I was able to talk about what’s been going through my head recently. But in my mind I was a little worried about what might happen after going home. It’s often after these good periods of vulnerability and emotional intimacy that things become more difficult for me. Weekends are often hard because I don’t have any responsibilities and I’m tired from working all week. It’s always a risk to add an extra bit of emotion to the heap by attending the support group. But I go to that group more for friendship than for support. It’s one of the only extra-vocational activities that I’m actually motivated to attend, and I need that regular reminder that there are people who know me and value my friendship.

So thanks for distracting me and allowing me to get all this in writing. I hope someone can better understand or empathize because of what I’ve written here. Good night.