It’s been some time since my last entry, and even though I feel as if I’ve been very honest about my thoughts and feelings in recent posts, I keep wanting to explain myself better. So this post might be very similar to my other recent stuff, but I hope it gets the point across just a little clearer. But really, I just have to keep writing until I feel satisfied, and this is the most subtly confusing thing I’ve had to deal with in my life.

In my church, there are several unwritten cultural behaviors that people are generally expected to observe. These are not supported by official doctrine, but continue to persist because it’s how we were raised and people feel uncomfortable discussing the subject. People who have left the faith or who otherwise look in on us from the outside often notice these and mock us for them, but I hope to make my point without sounding as if I am pointing any fingers.

And in case I use any confusing terms that aren’t familiar to people without my same background, just ask and I’ll explain things.

There is a profound discomfort with the idea of questioning any aspect of our religion, whether it be as important as actual scripture or as mundane as how many meals you eat on Fast Sunday. Faith and belief are such crucial aspects of our religious education that many who have questions are afraid to voice them, for fear that they will sound as if they do not believe the doctrine. I’ve said before that I was hesitant to admit my feelings because I didn’t want people to think I had lost my faith.

In the month or so since I last wrote I’ve continued to ponder my relationship with the church. I’ve tried to understand why I have trouble either believing or disbelieving it. I don’t feel as if there is anything incorrect or malicious about the doctrine, the church, or its leaders. But neither can I feel the same way I did as a child. I’m too skeptical and analytical now to act solely on feelings or the word of others. And yet I’m in this whole mess precisely because I have trouble feeling my faith.

A few days ago I was thinking about this, wondering why I was having so much trouble accepting everything when I have no reason to argue against it. And I realized that I had this image of what “religion” means to the wider world that was acting as a kind of barrier. To me, when people talk about religion, they are often talking about a supernatural concept. Unexplainable feelings and miracles. Incorporeal gods, angels with wings, cloud-strewn heaven, and flame-broiled hell. It’s so magical. But if I am to believe my religion, then it’s not supernatural at all. It’s reality. So why should I expect it to feel like fantasy?

And even as this thought enters my mind I fight against it. I think that to believe it is to stop seeking after the miracles. To settle for what I feel I can accept. One of the main tenets of my faith is the eternal progression of God. We should not be content to sit still and stop growing, because that is not the nature of God. The thought of settling feels like giving up on exaltation. So I continue to wonder.

The other and more directly applicable (to me) side effect of this fear of questioning is the problem with theorizing about the intersection of same-sex attraction and religious doctrine. Any fleeting theory about the nature of LGBTQ+ life that sounds potentially dismissive of known or assumed doctrine is instantly shot down. This makes it very difficult to discuss what I’m thinking with others, because they work to defend what they believe, and also to make sure that I’m not straying away from the safe path.

But this is uncharted territory. I should not be afraid to consider the uncomfortable. I know the doctrine. I know the boundaries. But in the end I am responsible for myself. I have to experience my own life, and I have to learn from my own mistakes.

I like what one friend said last week. He said that because every individual leads different lives, no other person on earth can completely understand exactly how we feel. Except for Christ. We can turn to Him, for because of his Atonement he knows, literally, exactly what we’re going through and how we feel.

So if I talk about two boys kissing, or wanting to find a boyfriend, or how church leaders are humans who make mistakes, I hope you can listen without fear or judgment. Your concern is appreciated, and I hope you never stop caring about me. I’m just trying to figure how what I want, in this life and for eternity.

I use this blog as a way to explore my own mind and heart, but in a way that lets you see me as I do. I talk the way I do because I’m not afraid to expose these raw parts of me. I can’t be ashamed of who I am, and I don’t want to hide what I’m thinking out of fear. Life is confusing and we’re all trying to figure out how we fit in to the puzzle. Thanks for listening as I try to explore my little piece.