I think I’m going through my rebellious teenage phase a decade late.

The relationship status between me and my brain is officially “complicated.”

I posted this on Facebook yesterday after downloading and looking through a new app on my phone. It’s marketed as a way for men to find friends, but works like Tinder and has the easy possibility of saying you want to be more than friends. I often tell people that “I’m only a few years away from online dating,” so looking back even as I did it I was a little surprised that I signed up for an app that’s only a half-step away from gay dating.

Combine that with my recent ramblings about difficulty feeling my faith and my tickets to Utah’s Pride festival next weekend and I’m not sure how I really feel about myself.

Talking to my parents about it this morning, my mom asked me what I really wanted (on the religion topic). I said I wanted to feel the way I did before high school. She said, “well what were you doing back then to feel that way?” And I said I couldn’t remember. I don’t think I was doing anything really different even back then. I don’t know if I regularly read my scriptures. I don’t know if I prayed every night. I think I was just a more believing and sensitive person back then. In the decade since I’ve become more analytic and experienced so much pain and growth. I’m not that kid anymore, and I can’t undo everything I’ve been through and go back. The best I can do is start again from the beginning as the person I am now.

And while that’s happening, my gay life is trying to push forward at full speed, dragging my shy self along with it.

I bought tickets to Utah’s pride festival a while ago, and it’s happening next weekend. Before this post I hadn’t told my parents. I didn’t know whether they would think it’s a good decision. I have no idea if a Utah pride will be drastically different from any other, but I’ve seen a little of what they’re like and my motivation is mixed. I want to go because I want to see how I feel in that environment. I want to go because who knows who I might meet. I want to go because this side of me is something I’ve only expressed in certain controlled situations. I want to go because I don’t know what’s going to happen and I want to find out.

There’s all this conflicting stuff in my head over topics like this. I’m trying to explore and experience new things. I’m trying to find out what I like and get out of my shell. And all the while I worry about what my parents or friends think. I’m worried that they think I’m in danger of doing bad things. I’m worried they might be right. I wonder why I want to do all this when I know it can be painful or dangerous. I tell myself I’ll never know until I try it. I’m really worried about what might happen, and I really want to see what happens.

There’s a new comedy TV show I found this week, The Real O’Neals, about an Irish Catholic family in Chicago and what happens when the middle child tells everyone he’s gay. In one episode he’s trying to figure out what kind of guy is his type, and his older brother decides they should watch some porn. Things go badly and hilarity ensues. But I wanted to share some more serious lines from one of the scenes.

Dad: Is that what you’re into?
Son: No! I was watching that stuff because I have no idea what I’m in to.

Dad: Just think about your ideal person. What’s he like?
Son: Right now, I just want someone cute to smile at me.

Everything I’m doing right now is because I have no idea what I’m in to and I’m trying to figure it out. Because for the first time I have something to explore that excites me. It’s like rock climbing. It’s dangerous, but you have to trust your equipment. I trust in the lessons my parents taught me. There’s always risk, but I don’t want to be too scared to try.