A friend of mine suggested this topic to me. Feel free to do the same.

It’s been over two years since I came out, and I’m still learning. It looks like acceptance will be a life-long process for me. Inside my own head I have to deal with attraction and identity alongside religion and self-esteem. All these parts of me fit together somehow; I just have to find out how. But I keep changing, so the puzzle pieces keep changing as well. And I’m just one actor in the story of my life. Everyone around me has to decide how I – and all the baggage I bring with me – fit in to their own story. Let’s talk about that.

Accepting Your Family

Your family can have the strongest affect on your self-esteem, for better or worse. They’re the people we love without understanding why. They’re the people whose approval we long for most. So much of our identity comes from our family, and family can devastate our emotions or save our lives.

My parents found out about my attractions the same moment I did, so i didn’t have any time to deal with the truth and decide how to tell them. In some ways this was a great blessing. But it also means I don’t truly know what it’s like for most people who have to worry about the most important people in their lives learning a shocking truth that might ruin the most foundational of all relationships.

Telling my siblings was a lot more fun. One of my brothers happened to call me a few weeks after my self-discovery so that he could actually come out to me! So I said “me, too!” and that was that. He also happened to make the rounds telling our siblings before I did, so coming out to the family felt a little like I was copying him. But they all took the news well and it hasn’t changed the way we act around each other. They sometimes even “like” my Facebook posts on the subject, so you know they aren’t faking it.

To parents and siblings on the receiving end of a family member coming out, I beg you to set aside your own pride and fear for a moment. Your child or sibling is still the exact same person they always have been. They weren’t keeping the secret to hurt you. They are telling you now because they love you and care about what you think. They are probably terrified of what you’ll say and do. The most important thing you can do is try – really try – to understand what they’re going through. It’s okay if you need some time to think. But as you’re thinking, keep the right priorities in mind. They are still your family. And you do still love them. That’s your primary job in this relationship: love. Nothing else matters at all.

Accepting The World

This is the easy one. The world is becoming downright cozy with the LGBTQ+ community. But it’s never really that simple. There are always people who can’t wait to attack anyone and everyone who isn’t an exact clone of themselves. So as you go out into the world, online or IRL, please be safe and remember what really matters.

And this works in reverse, as well. Seeking acceptance from the world at large means that you should become accepting of those who are different from you. This includes those who aren’t accepting of you.

This is the thing LGBTQ+ activists seem to get wrong the worst. Demanding that people allow you the right to be yourself – believing what you want, acting how you want – is wonderful and necessary. But you also need to give them the same respect you’re asking for. They also deserve to believe what they want, and act how they want. If you truly want to be a force for good and love in the world, you also need to love and be good to those who hate you. The best and most fundamental part of freedom is the freedom to be different. It’s what you’re asking for. Pay it forward.

Accepting Religion

Religion is a lot like family, for those who embrace it. It becomes a very deep part of our identity, and thus we care a lot about what it thinks of us. And while we ourselves change, and the people around us change, our religion might never change, which means we might not always fit snugly into the mold. And much like how a family’s contempt can damage our soul, coming into conflict with deeply held religious values and teachings might just be the hardest trial of our lives.

I’m a Mormon, and it’s the only religion I’ve known, so please forgive me as I use my own experience as a model for all religions.

I’ll say up front that I am nowhere close to figuring out the precise balance between my sexuality and my religion. I don’t know if anyone ever really can in this life. We do our best with what we know. That’s why religion takes faith.

Here’s what I don’t know:

  • I don’t know where the line is between good, healthy male relationships and acting out on lustful temptations. Mostly because I’ve rarely had the opportunity to avoid a tempting situation. Like a tight rope over a gaping chasm, my trial is to satisfy my own needs without going too far.
  • I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love with a woman and get married.
  • I don’t know if my religion will ever change its teachings, and I’m not asking it to.

And here’s what I do know:

  • It doesn’t matter whether I was born this way; whether these attractions come from biology, or the environment, or my life experiences, or my spirit. My feelings are not a choice, but my actions are. And that’s all that matters on that subject.
  • I also choose to not worry about whether these feelings will continue with me into the next life. That’s a question we don’t know the answer to, and I prefer to avoid the subject entirely, rather than fret over something I can’t control.
  • I need to form close, intimate relationships with other men. In these relationships I need to feel emotionally and physically safe to express myself without fear.
  • I only feel at peace when living in harmony with Gospel standards. All attempts to forge my own path to the contrary have lead to depression and gnawing dissatisfaction. This means that I will not find true peace pursuing a same-sex relationship beyond the healthy friendships I need.
  • God loves all of us. And nothing we do can make it not so. And because He loves us, He does what’s best for us, even when it hurts.

This section has no happy, simple conclusion, because life isn’t that simple.

Accepting Yourself

Accepting yourself is the most important part of the entire puzzle. Even if everyone around you shows nothing but support and love, if you don’t believe in your own value, their support won’t matter much. But if you know how truly amazing and beautiful you are, you can withstand all the hate the world will throw at you.

Growing up, before I realized the whole truth of my own sexuality, I never had any problems accepting myself. I never tried to compare myself to others to be popular or normal. I had my group of friends and that was enough. I knew that I liked the way the other boys looked, but it was just the way things were. Romance was a foreign concept, so I never made the connection between what I felt and the word “attraction.” That wouldn’t happen until much later.

But in the years since I came out, I’ve had to deal with all the hard questions. How do I feel about this? What do I want, with myself, with others? What should I tell people? What should I do? My answers have changed even in the short time I’ve had to consider them. At first I told myself to wait at least a year before making any major decisions, but then only six months later I was writing publicly about the whole thing. I accepted and broadcasted the label of “gay” to the world, but eventually realized I was taking the label too far and it was beginning to hinder my own progress. Just this last week I decided to stop wearing my rainbow pride wristband after having a wonderful lunch with a group of gay coworkers. In some ways I am more reserved, and in others I am more outspoken. As this identity sinks in, the energy and excitement of something new fades into the confidence and responsibility of maturity. And as every adult knows, maturity doesn’t count for much when it comes to things being easy.

To those struggling to accept themselves, know that you aren’t alone. We are all taught to present a nice face to those around us. But everyone has their own problems. No one has a perfect life. We’re just so damn good at hiding our fears, faults, and oddities from others. But we can’t escape from ourselves forever. So when you are down, know that you are loved. By your family. By your friends. By God. By all of us who care for you and want you to experience all the wonderful beauty in the world.