I always hope and expect that each year will bring new and interesting things into my life. This year didn’t disappoint.

I will remember this year for the changes I experienced in how I see myself.

In 2013 I began my adult life in earnest after graduating, and I realized the truth about my own sexuality. In 2014 I began to incorporate that knowledge into a new identity, and started to let down the walls I had built and guarded since childhood. In 2015 I began to explore the world and think about the future. In 2016 I was about to “settle down,” despite dissatisfaction with my life; but then I moved to Washington, out of the safe world I had grown accustomed to but needed to move beyond. And in 2017 I began to dissect myself, to get help and figure out why I wasn’t happy. And with that help I’ve managed to see my past and present with greater clarity.

I’ve learned that what I thought was acceptance wasn’t enough. I was dipping my feet in the pool and thought I was swimming. The fear of myself and what others would think of my deepest desires kept me from facing them directly. I waved a rainbow flag, but kept it sterile. I was terrified of the raw power behind the sanitized facade, and I wanted to keep it a secret. But repressing that part of me, or trying to, was hurting me. A house divided, et cetera. Admitting the reality, and extent, of those desires within myself let me begin the healing process.

Standing up for myself had an unexpected side effect of reevaluating my faith. In the search for truth about myself, I began to wonder if I believed the things my parents taught me about church. And once it began, I couldn’t stop. Every doctrine, every event, and every verse was fair game. Even the existence of God was on the table. Eventually I settled on a fundamental belief in the existence of a soul. And on that foundation I have begun to rebuild my image of eternity.

Those two shifts in my worldview and self-image are the milestones of this year. Next year I will continue to practice reaching out beyond myself. I will seek to walk through the world without hiding and discover what I can grow into.