These last two days (Friday and Saturday), I attended the inaugural North Star conference, and it was absolutely wonderful. I made a handful of new friends and learned about myself and how to be better and happier. From the various sessions I attended, I put together three themes that I’ll explain here. Then I’ll talk a bit about my new friends and what I’ve experienced so far.

Theme Number 1 - Connecting with God

North Star focuses on fostering and supporting a community of people who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria (and their friends/family/leaders) but wish to live according to the standards of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So none of the sessions advocated distancing yourself from religion in any way. I enjoyed one session’s definition of spirituality being “conscious seeking of connection with Oneself, the world, and all life. Victory over self and communion with the Infinite.” In another general session we were asked to imagine a group of people who we felt had our best interests at heart, making sure God was in that group, and asking them “Do you love me?” and “Can I trust you?”

Theme Number 2 - Connecting with Others

I consider this a theme of the conference more because of the friends I made than any specific speaker’s comments, though there was a session on forming healthy relationships with the other men and building a community of support. It warned against codependency and the importance of taking initiative to meet your own needs and take care of yourself, rather than investing everything you care about in one person and relying on others to define who you are.

Theme Number 3 - Connecting with Yourself

On the second day, the two sessions I attended were both about emotions, healing, and overcoming compulsive behavior and addiction. The shared piece of advice was to allow yourself to feel emotions. When we stifle emotions, the subconscious takes over to find other ways to cope. In this dissociative state, we are more vulnerable to addictive behaviors that we normally find repulsive and harmful – we no longer care that we don’t like it. One speaker said emotions were our mind’s way of healing. Admit the emotion, allow yourself to experience it, then connect with others (even if that other is only God) and share it.

Intimacy

This topic deserves its own section. The first session I attended was titled “Seven Essentials to Thriving in the Journey,” and one of those essentials was the capacity for meaningful relationships. The speakers opened that section by asserting that Intimacy does not equal Sex. There are so many kinds of intimacy, and that the word means “innermost.” Each kind of intimacy is allowing another person to see and know your innermost feelings, desires, or truths in some way. Even physical intimacy was its own kind, separate from sexual intimacy. Think of a child cuddling with its parent, or two friends hugging when one is having a hard time.

When I attended North Star’s Spring fireside a few months ago I saw a few of the men with arms around another’s shoulders during the meeting. Note that this was happening in a chapel and no one cared. They weren’t being romantic, they were being intimate. The kind of fraternal intimacy shared by the apostles and early Church in the New Testament when it talks about kissing or lying on shoulders. We who experience same-sex attraction have a greater need for this kind of physical intimacy with those of the same sex than the typical “strait” man. It’s just easy to sexualize said intimacy and turn the feelings into romance.

So I wasn’t surprised to find men scratching backs or wrapping arms around shoulders at the conference. But imagine my delightful surprise when the guy next to me, who I happen to have been in a choir with previously, puts his arm around my shoulder. He eventually withdrew to ask a question, but I quickly started fighting with my nerves about returning the gesture. Coincidentally, the session at the time was about forming healthy relationships and being proactive in meeting your needs. I fought the nerves and placed my arm around his shoulders.

Fast forward past a few similar experiences to one of the last sessions. As I’m sitting there watching my friend draw in his notebook, my arm around his shoulder, I’m thinking about my feelings and motivations. I had noticed, with satisfaction, that my feelings towards my new friends, though I consider most of them attractive, were not romantic. I felt no desire to do anything more than simply be close, and I felt that I had possibly crossed some kind of emotional threshold. As I described this accomplishment to some guys during a break, I related what I felt I was trying to convey when I put my arm around him.

I accept you. I enjoy your company and I appreciate being close to you. You matter to me and I want you to know it.

I’m certain my words at the time were much more poetic and accurate, but you get the picture. I’m not trying to be romantic. I’m trying to do something that, as far as I believe, feels good and comforting for both of us and strengthens our bond. During the final session of the conference I spent some time scratching a neighbor’s back or resting my arm on his shoulder. Later, when I was leaning forward, he also scratched my back. When I leaned back, he rested his hand on my shoulder, and I settled back into his arm.

The North Star Conference was a safe, wholesome place, focused on the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it was there that I found a group of friends where I felt immediately comfortable and where I could expand my comfort zone without fear or guilt.

So if I put my arm around your shoulder or scratch your back, don’t feel awkward. It’s a compliment and a sign of friendship.