This last week I’ve been examining myself a little deeper than usual, and I wanted to write up a little post about desire. What are my deep desires? The wants that motivate or hinder my growth, social interaction, and choices?

I Want To Be Happy

Everyone does. Everyone wants to have that indescribable feeling called “happiness” where everything is right with the world and the future is an exciting place. We are content with who we are and nothing stands in our way.

To have career satisfaction. To feel that our work is helping people. To learn and continue to grow in skill and to have that growth recognized by our employers.

But that’s not deep enough.

I Want Spiritual Peace

This is a better form of happiness. It derives from spiritual satisfaction. The knowledge that you are living according to your convictions coupled with the faith that Heavenly Father loves you and all things will be for your good in the end. I want to feel a connection with my God, where for the last ten years I have lost that emotion to addiction and pride.

I Want Intimate Human Connection

You could say I want a “boyfriend without benefits.” A best friend I can share everything with. Someone who can hold me when I’m sad or celebrate with me when I’m happy, and all the sappy/cuddly stuff in between. Some of you will say I should want a wife instead, and while I agree with you on that point, I will always need deep male friendships.

I Want To Feel Valued

I want to be someone else’s intimate human connection. I realized last week that I don’t have any self-worth when it comes to how others view me. I don’t believe that other people want to spend time with me. This makes me scared to invite people over or ask favors for fear of inconveniencing them. I have trouble connecting with new people without some kind of instant bond and reason to repeatedly spend time together. I rely on more extroverted people to include me in their circles, and outside of school this is a rare occurrence. This is my next hurdle of self-improvement: convince myself that other people are interested in loving me.

I tried to end there, but it felt too sad. This is just how I work: I am deeply analytical with my own life and emotions. I’m actually super-excited to have discovered the reason why it has been so difficult to reach out to other people. Now I have an answer and can work to overcome this hurdle. I’m not asking for pity or anything. If anything I’m asking for understanding.

I doubt my plight is uncommon. I expect most people have the same problem. We don’t value ourselves. Compliments are turned aside with self-deprecation. How can they say nice things about me? Don’t they know how horrible I am? It’s even worse when the nice person is actually close to you. They should know better than to think highly of me.

Self-worth is something we need to cultivate ourselves, but we also need the help of others. It’s difficult to feel good about yourself when you don’t think others value you.

So be nice to others. Include them in activities. Look for those who are alone and reach out. Get to know them. Learn to love them.

And if you are one of the lonely, accept their invitation. Allow yourself to believe that you are wanted. Open yourself to others and let them see you, warts and all. And when you start to believe the compliments they are giving you, turn around and reach out to someone else.