First off, don’t worry, friends and family. I’m not going anywhere or making any bad decisions. I just need to vent a bit. I’m an adult; I can do that. Plus, if you pay attention you’ll get a glimpse at my cynical side that I usually hide because I’m trying to be nice.

Oh, and possible trigger warning, for people who know what that means.

It’s really hard being alone.

This weekend hasn’t been a very good one, internally. I like to think I’m good at putting on a good show of sanity and happiness, but I have my tells. For instance, if my apartment is painfully messy and I haven’t done the dishes or laundry, I’m probably not doing so hot. If you ask me how I’m doing and I pause at all, I’m deciding whether to be honest with you or not. And if I’m deciding whether or not to say “I’m good,” I need a hug.

I need a hug.

That’s why I’m writing this. Because I need a hug. I need to lean on someone’s shoulder. I need to have a moment where someone is simply holding me, with no questions or distractions. I need to melt. And I have no clue how to go about finding someone to fill that role without stretching the boundaries of moral approval.

When I started exploring this whole “gay” thing, I felt all confident that I could handle the rough waters before me. I knew that I wanted to stay in the Church; what else matters, right?

Then I had to be a living, breathing human being.

I had to go to work. I had to take care of myself. I had to make friends. I had good times. I had bad times.

Back when this first started, I hadn’t given myself any time to develop real understanding. Everything was new to me. I knew I had to come out, and I was naïve to assume that things wouldn’t change over time. In the weeks and months since then I have experienced situations including, but not limited to:

  • wondering what it would be like to kiss so-and-so
  • wondering if so-and-so is about to kiss me
  • secretly wishing that so-and-so would surprise me with a kiss so that I can stop worrying

(Yes, these so-and-sos are all guys; and no, they are not all the same guy.)

Some of you may find it either cute or embarrassing that kissing is honestly as far as these fantasies have gone, but I find it comforting.

I’m happy I find guys as cute as I do. For me it’s the way things have always been (i.e. “normal”), and I like it. But it’s hard when I remind myself that I have chosen to stay some distance away from full immersion, for my own reasons. It’s hard that I’m the only one to blame for my lack of a boyfriend. It’s hard that when I’m feeling sad and I want someone to hold me, the idea of that someone being a girl just doesn’t satisfy me the same way; but the idea of that someone being a guy seems unobtainable because how do you have a boyfriend without having a boyfriend?

Ugh.

</rant>