I can’t begin to guess what conclusions you may have drawn about me from my posts. I don’t know who is reading this. I don’t know your background, your religion, your political stances. You might not know me, except for what I post. It’s really easy to portray a different self to the Internet, and it’s really easy to assume that you know someone based on what they say online.

Not that I’ve been lying or anything. It’s just impossible to always say everything in such a way that everyone understands what you meant perfectly.

So I’d like to explain something with what I hope is enough clarity. And then I’ll use that subject to talk about I-don’t-know-what.

And fair warning, I’m turning my filter off for this. Sorry, mom.

This is going to be interesting…

I’m gay. This has been a known fact for almost two years now – 1.5 if you’re online. When this is explained to someone, there isn’t always that much explanation. They might have some questions, but usually these days I come out in the middle of conversation to make some other point, and people tend to play along casually. I don’t worry about the assumptions made about me at the time. And I don’t really mind what people think about me anyway. When you’ve accepted that you are a mold-breaker, you don’t really have to keep an eye on the mold anymore.

But when I hear other SSA people talking about their feelings, I compare them to my own. And what I’ve realized sometimes makes me wonder if I’m really “gay.”

There are a lot of different factors involved in attraction. And there are many different kinds of attraction – emotional, romantic, sexual, and intellectual to name a few. When a man is gay, it’s understood that they “like” other guys. But everyone is built differently, and what I consider attraction might be very different than one someone else considers attraction.

So here’s what confuses me sometimes. I like looking. I want to be close. I want to hold and be held. I might even want to kiss. But I honestly don’t think I have ever wanted to be sexual. Does this mean that I’m asexual? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m definitely homo-romantic. …right? But, what about porn? Doesn’t that mean that I *am* sexually attracted to guys? Maybe it’s the porn’s fault that I don’t feel that way in real life. Maybe I’m confused about where the line between romance and sex lies.

I’ve never had to “hold myself back.” The one real chance I’ve had so far to kiss someone was tempting, but mostly out of curiosity.

But the attraction is very real and strong. So imagine my confusion. Here I am, a nice little gay Mormon boy, trying to do his best to remain chaste, and I’m not even certain how far I am being *tempted* to go!

I’ve heard this phrase a few times in the last few weeks: “If it’s not sexual, it’s not homosexual.” That’s comforting, after a fashion. But it doesn’t help my confusion. Because I’ve never experienced (or been strongly tempted) to be sexual in real life, I really don’t know what it means. Can I be “gay” if I don’t want sex?

Then I remind myself that boys are cute and go on my way.

Enough about me. Where can I take this…

We put too much emphasis on sex. If you think in terms of evolution, this makes some sense – preserve the species and all – but if you’re really smart you’d also know that humans don’t really play by the same rules as other animals. Sex is beautiful and important, but its portrayal has changed drastically in the last 100 years. From taboo to tabloid in a blink. According to the media, it’s embarrassing to still be a virgin at 18, let alone 25.

Everything I know about sex I learned from the Internet. If my parents ever gave me “the talk” I don’t remember it. I don’t really know just how I feel about sex (see the above rant), and I expect I’ll remain clueless until someone manages to pluck my heartstrings.

But we need to calm down and smell the metaphorical roses. The only real stereotype I held about gay people two years ago was one of promiscuity and lust. I know better now. Real people live normal lives. Real people just want to be understood and loved.

Everyone is a real person. Don’t let the shit-storm of sex, sex, sex change the way you feel about yourself or the way you view anyone else. You know what happens when you assume…

Wow, I must be tired. Goodnight.